My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
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Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Herpes is trending, good job people
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet