The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
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We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Happy Friday
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
This line from Airplane.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here