America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
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“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
How I like cutting carbs
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better