Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
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For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
They’re not wrong
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.