Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
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Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I don’t get marriage
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.