before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
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Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh