I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
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Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.