professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
You Might Also Like
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—