If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
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Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”