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I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.