ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
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They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Whisper out to librarians!
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell