My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
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No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.