A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
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Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together