“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
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My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Me, in DM rooms…
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.