♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
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Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.