*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
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I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane