I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
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When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My support group can outdrink your support group.