The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
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I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
presenting your incognito window wrapped
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.