yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
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“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Gods work.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!