Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
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When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I have many caverns
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks