My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
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[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
the dark web is just a goth google.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.