Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
You Might Also Like
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
paddle faster i hear baby shark
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons