One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
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Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE