Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
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being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.