“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
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My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
This is my favorite one of these!
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.