I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
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My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭