Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
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My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Möther may I have a snäck