*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
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Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
lmao
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes