FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
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WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
welp
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now