Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
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I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Basketball
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”