nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
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me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
bad news gang
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos