A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
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God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Discuss
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.