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I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.