what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
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If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Happy birthday to all the women
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
But I really needed water water water
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.