As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
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This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
That’s classic.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.