When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
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-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.