Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
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My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”