I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
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Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Yup.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL