Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
This did not end as expected.