People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
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I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War