The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
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* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Bike for sale
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
How do you like your Corgi?
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard