Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
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I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
The asteroid..
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Only Americans understand
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Autocarrot sucks!