Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
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I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
and this one
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down