The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
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Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.