When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
You Might Also Like
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them