BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
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Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Good Morning.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!