My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Wednesday
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
some things should go without saying
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.