watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
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*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
🙂🐾
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I like long walks away from everyone
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
🤣😂🤣
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”