Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
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I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Anyone really
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one