Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
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[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
How do dragons blow out candles?
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”